Bereavement - A Senior Grief Issue

Even forty-five years later, my mind can still hear my great grandfather's nightly cry, when he reached out in his sleep, only to discover that his beloved wife of over 65 years -- was no longer with him.

All of us in the house, would hear him weep her name over and over. Then, the banging of the wall with his cane would begin, not ending until he fell back to sleep.

In his late eighties, blind, and moved into his son's home, because he couldn't live alone after her death -- his grief was always at it's profoundest in the stillness of the night, when he remembered she was gone forever. He lived to be one hundred years old, but never got over the loss of his wife.

As senior citizens, outside of the death of a child or grandchild, the loss of a spouse is generally the most traumatic experience we will ever have. In addition to the severe emotional shock, the death may cause potential financial crisis, if the spouse was the family's main income source.

The death may necessitate major social adjustments, requiring the surviving spouse to parent alone, adjust to single life, or maybe even return to work. For some of us, that death may mean the end of independent living, as our own physical limitations were dependent upon our spouse's daily support and supervision. Far beyond that, it means losing a lifetime of shared memories. Additionally, it often comes at a time in life, where we are feeling loneliness from the deaths of close friends, parents, siblings, and other loved ones.

Surviving with the loss of a spouse is by no means uncomplicated. While all of us know death is inescapable, very few of us comprehend the stages of bereavement. Nor, do we necessarily know how to deal with loss. Death -- perhaps life's most stressful event, can cause a major emotional crisis, even for the very strong.

When death takes place, you may feel a wide variety of sentiments, even when the death was expected. Many people instantly feel numbness after first learning of the death. This is by no means the only feeling one can go through, when the death was expected or not. Half of their heart is missing in sorrow.

Other emotions that are associated with the course of bereavement are:

• Anger
• Confusion
• Denial
• Despair
• Disbelief
• Guilt
• Profound sadness
• Regrets
• Shock

These outlooks are typical and almost universal reactions to death. Still, you may not be equipped for the amount, or the intensity of your emotions. Nor, may you understand how quickly your feelings may change. You may even begin to mistrust your own mental health.

Rest assured, however, that these feelings are healthy, proper and essential to coming to terms with your loss. Probably the most vital thing you need to remember -- is that it takes awhile to grasp the effects of a death. You'll never stop grieving your loved one, but the pain eases after time and allows you to go on with your life.

There are times when our loss can feel so deep that we're not even sure we want to move on, of that we ever can. It's not simple to manage after a loved one ides. Mourning is the normal route you have to go through to accept a major loss. Mourning may incorporate specific religious traditions of one's own religious beliefs; or honoring the dead in family; or community traditions. Mourning is a very personal life event and may last months or even years.

Grieving isn't the same as mourning. It's the outward expression of your loss. That outward expression can be physical or psychological, or a combination of both. When you cry, it's the physical expression of grieving. When you are depressed, that's the psychological expression.

Both grieving and mourning are essential. It's vital that you allow yourself to feel and express those feelings. At the same time, for many people, death is often a subject that is avoided, ignored, or denied. Initially, it may seem beneficial to disconnect yourself from the pain, but you cannot steer clear of grieving forever. Someday, all of those feelings will bubble up to the surface and will need to be put to rest, or they will cause you physical or emotional illness.

There are said to be certain stages of grief. However, there is controversy as to whether or not this is true. These stages include: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Certainly no one experiences all of them, or in the same order, and grief is a very personal life event.

So How Do You Go On?

• Accept that life is for the living
• Resume normal activities, as you feel up to it;
• Be patient;
• Communicate your feelings;
• Delay any major life changes, if possible;
• Search for and spend time with considerate and loving friends and family;
• Seek out professional help, if necessary;
• Take care of your health.

Beyond the above, consider incorporating some healthy coping strategies that honor your loved one's passing, such as:

• Planting a tree or flowers in their memory;
• Making a donation of money, time, food, or other items to their favorite charity;
• Give blood in their memory;
• Help plan and organize the funeral;
• Help plan and organize the memorial service;
• Help plan and organize the celebration of life to honor the person who has died;
• Thank the emergency and hospital personnel, etc. who assisted in their finale days;
• Remember to remind your remaining loved ones that you still love them;
• Take good care of yourself.

Unquestionably, we'll never forget the person we grieve for. Our feelings of anguish should be replaced with more good memories, than sadness as time passes. However, that is not to say, that occasional waves of tender emotions won't overcome us, long after we think we should be done with mourning.

Perhaps, the secret is to understand that these feelings will occur and try to keep them in perspective. There is no completion date to grieving. Let your emotions flow through the stages of grief. Hold and honor the person you loved in your heart forever, by living your life as fully and joyfully, as you know they would want you to.

It sometimes seems like our siblings were always there, and perhaps one of the least talked about topics dealing with grief -- is the loss of our brothers and sisters. You expect at some point you'll probably lose your parents, maybe even expect to lose your spouse -- but you seldom think about losing your siblings. So there you are, the one remaining, left behind by someone who was always a part of your life. The only person who knew exactly what it was like being raised by your parents.

You are not just losing a brother or a sister, you are losing a history, the one in which you were partners in life, yoked together by common parents. Losing a sibling, also means losing a part of future holidays and events. For good or bad, they no longer will be a part of the festivities. There's an empty place at the family table of life.

The reality of a death of one's brother or sister, unless it comes by way of a sudden accident, can suddenly force you to face the very idea of your own mortality. You can have thoughts like:

• If they died, are you liable to get the same disease?
• How much longer are you going to survive them?
• How are you going to cope without their emotional support?

After the death of a loved one you can be side-lined by grief, by the simplest of things that remind you of what is lost. Normally, grief is most intensely felt in the first six months, and while you will always have this hurt to live with it should lessen in it's intensity of feelings. For some people, though it may be that grief only multiplies. If this is the case, you need to get outside help to see if there are some medical causes when your grief is starting to interfere with being able to function.

Their Journey's Just Begun

Don't think of them as gone away, their journey has just begun.

Life holds so many facets, this earth is just one.

Just think of them as resting from the sorrows and the tears,

In a place of warmth and comfort,

Where there are no days and years.

Think of how they must be wishing that we could know, today . . . .

How nothing but our sadness can really pass away.

And think of them as living in the hearts of those they touched

For nothing loved is ever lost and they were loved so much.

Anonymous

This article was written for information, inspiration, and support. It is not a substitute for professional advice.